I just finished watching Paprika with my brother. I liked the movie a lot, and my mind went for quite a trip there. I just downloaded the soundtrack too. I love the opening song! It's really refreshing to hear something new.

Speaking of music, very few people don't think I listen to English songs just because I listen to a lot of Kpop. Let it be known... I grew up here... and I love Yellowcard, The Calling, MCR and Queen. Not everything I listen to is not in Korean! Sheeeesh.

But yeah, good movie! :D

I keep calling it a leap of faith. I don't know why I make it so dramatic. Maybe I just do because I'm a human (as my Philosophy teacher would say, "We humans love the drama!"). I guess it's sort of a big deal to me because... it is breaking all the rules I had set up for myself. If my friend were here to hear me say that, he would jokingly call it my "Kat protocol."

Yes, my protocol.

I have one.

As disorganized as I am, and I know I break/bend the rules (lol...bend them..bend....), this is the only structured thing in my life next to sentence formulas for Japanese. If it doesn't follow these steps, I start to go crazy. This is the first time in my life that this is happening, and I'm scared. I'm scared because this is totally out of my comfort zone and against my protocol (which is practically everything I set for myself).

I've been wondering if it's worth to break everything that I've known. If this "leap of faith" is something worth for me to try.

I blame him for this because if it weren't for him, I wouldn't being putting so much consideration for this.

Curse these feelings :| damn my feelings. damn it all.

....boysareweird.

Labels: anxiety, my feelings are real, oh God help me, panic mode, personal, scared, stream of consciousness, vent

My dots are getting better. I'm really happy about this. It has taken several months to get it this far, and now I just need to keep up with it.

Labels: stream of consciousness

Wongfu is making a new short film. So far, the synopsis of the preview says:

Labels: I need to let go, stream of consciousness

I will never understand what are the different trends these days. What the hell is hipster? I'm starting to feel old when I don't know some of these things...but I shouldn't be complaining about my age.

Labels: nonsense, stream of consciousness, venting, whatever

Irrationality has just back lashed on me. Regretting more than ever right now, and it's bothering me, when I know it shouldn't. I broke down during the Circle K meeting, in which everyone kind of saw when I walked out the room. The amount of support I got from them was beyond amazing. I love them all. Daniel said he's making me cake. God, I love our VP.

Labels: stream of consciousness

For those of you who do not know me personally or at all, I take pictures. When I am not taking pictures (or studying), I am looking through pictures. It doesn't matter if they're my old pictures or somebody else's gallery, I have to be looking through them. I guess it is a sense of inspiration. Especially when I am looking through my old pictures, I tend to look at how much FUN it was to capture those moments. My cousin calls me the "Queen of Candids" because of the pictures I I take are so midaction or give the feeling of "Wtf? when did you take this?". To be honest I love getting that question. "When did you take this?".

I'm currently cleaning out my flickr account that I had ever since yahoo changed from yahoo photos to flickr. Not fair, right? I had allll my pictures there. It helped for a while until I had my own gallery. As I'm deleting the first 600 or so pictures, I saw the other pictures that I have taken during high school. Amature, yes. I didn't know a THING about photography. All I did was point and shoot. The best tactic with anything, sure. I, personally, call it "aim and fire" but yeah. I stopped using that because it gave people the wrong idea. At least it isn't "shoot & capture"...

To look and delete those pictures would break me in half more than it did with the first 600 pictures. why Why WHy WHY. I don't know why. Within those 6OO was a set of 74 pictures with Aaron and I and I deleted them. think it was more because I know I have them on file here, in my lappy, so I didn't need to worry. But I guess when I started deleteing things that I knew that I had 'em backed up, but still loved, it became more painful to detele. I think I just answered my own question. Wonderful. It bothers me. The fact that those pictures were taken during high school. My fun times, without having a care in the world and just living. Or, at least that's how I saw it during the time. We all looked so young, just taking picture after picture and laughing at every joke. It almost sounds like "Sweet Disposition" by the Temper Trap. My friends. My very dear and best friends. A group of us. Before we all started breaking apart and going our seperate ways. Before anatomy, college applications, and relationships. Before we started drifting further apart. I'm confused. I should be fine the fact that I still get to see them. Maybe I feel weird saying this. I love them all dearly. But... why do I feel like something is wrong? It's almost that same feeling I had when I didn't really talk to my elementary/middle school group for a while (I went a Catholic school for 9 years. I had the best friend and same group of friends for 9 years). It seems like it has switched or something. I am very well aware that feelings are not complete fact, but I can not help how I feel. I don't know. I think I'm overthinking again. It will pass.

Pictures from end 2005 to end 2006 are precious to me.
These pictures were what used to be before everything in my life, family and friends, started to change.

So what now with Photography? Two years later, during my seniory year, I took a photography class. Fun, yes. I got to take & develop pictures traditionally. It was great. But nowadays, its just seems like a chore or maybe I am trying to hard to be a photographer by establishing photoshoots.Pose here. Take a picture here. Smile for the camera. It seems like if I'm not in a certain setting, I start to resist. Like, if I'm forced to. I think part of me also resists on becoming a professional. And I just realize, I redeemed that setting during my Family's Christmas party. The best setting to be in since...2005.

I'm here again. I'm sitting with 5 cameras I have owned through the years. My old automatic film camera made by Olympus. I remember asking for one, and for my grandmother to be cured from cancer. I was in the 6th grade and I only got the camera. My 8.1 Sony Cybershot with a cracked screen and a missing battery charger. I got that during my junior year of high school. My Canon 40D EOS. The camera I should be using more, but refuse until I get a smaller lens. Or...unless there's a big family party. It's a big hit, if people know how to use it. The boys (Kevin, Mark and Cano) love the sports mode. I now have a Nikon Coolpix (I forgot what model) that is 10.0 megapixle. I got this for Christmas, and I wasn't even asking for a camera. I wanted a new lens (which I am saving for now...). Mama bought it for me and said she got it for a great price. I looked at it. It's red and very thin. I'm just afraid if I drop it, it will break. Even though I have a new camera, I still remain faithful to my old 7.2 Megapixle Sony Cybershot. It was never personally given to me. It was the "family's digital camera" but I wanted to bring it everywhere. And I did. It fell from many heights, it survived water damage. Hell, if I press down halfway, the screen makes these weird lines. Old, yes, but it has been extremely reliable. Everyone knew it as "my camera". It has been there with me since 2004. It was bought for $200 or so. I'll try out the Nikon, but I'm not giving up that Sony until it dies.

With less figurative language, I shall ease the weird tenseness.
I WANT KIMI NI TODOKE CHAPTER 29 TO BE OUT NOW.
I WANT KUROSHITSUJI'S CHAPTER 42 TO BE OUT NOW.
MANGA IS SO ADDICTING, IT IS NOT EVEN FUNNY.
Which reminds me, I have to keep up with Hetalia.
*fail*

Plankton: GOODBYE EVERYONE, I'LL REMEMBER YOU ALL IN THERAPY.

GOOD BYE. I WILL COMPLAIN LATER ABOUT EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING.

Labels: cameras, confused, I'm hungry, manga, nostalgia, photography, pictures, stream of consciousness

Erg, so this hurts a lot. x_x I could probably name every muscle that hurts right now, but that would take too long because there are way too many muscles in the human body.
Actually, there are too many bones in the human body, but I will save that for another lesson.
I'll be stretching a lot after I eat dinner. If I stretch now, and my mother calls me to dinner, I will probably be in some weird position where I can't seem to move my leg away from my head. Of course, the way I stretch is never that intense, but I always was able to do 'em thanks to ballet.

I think if it weren't for those intense and flexible stretching every 30 minutes before ballet, I wouldn't be as flexible as I am now. I mean, my size is huge. I complete the image of a shape of a pear and an apple put together. Kind of to be very fortunate to actually stretch that much actually. Then again, after I stopped doing ballet, I couldn't reach the tip of my toes to my head, and I couldn't even let my stomach muscles hold me up for a long time. Let alone for a whole second. But, thankfully, I am still able to stretch well! *kind of lost her train of thought*

Labels: stream of consciousness

I don't want to sleep because it will bring me a day closer to finals, and a day closer for my psoriasis to act up and make me itch.

Labels: no sleep, psoriasis, stream of consciousness

I always had this anxiety when I am standing in front of someone's door. It doesn't matter what door it is, and who is on the other side, I always get these swarms of butterflies in my stomach, and they can't seem to fly in one direction. It's happened a lot of the times. I have always anchored myself in front of the door and I would stare at the knob, and every little swirling detail from the bottom of the door, through the obscured glass, and the 4x4 header above. This happens a lot, especially at friend's house. To those of you who's house I have been to, yes, this is what I do . I would stand there and stare at the door for a good 2 minutes until I can finally work up the courage to ring the door bell. This isn't normal, is it?

No, I don't think I am afraid of doors, I just find doors uncomfortable.
There's something wrong, isn't there?
Please tell me I'm not the only one who feels this way.

Labels: anxiety, doors, my feelings are real, stream of consciousness

I guess I shouldn't be so nice all the time. Today, a 30-yr old-ish Indian guy asked me for my number. I wanted to scream "RAPE" and run. I simply told him no, and left. I'm glad I had an alias ready today.

maybe i should have told him that i'm meeting my boyfriend...
--
my shoulder hurts.
--

Nigel and I visited the Queen Mary today. It was the first time I have ever been on an enormous cruise ship like that. I wonder if that's how people felt when they boarded teh Titanic (and before it sank and the many people drowned). It was a very vintage ship. I kept hearing old songs through the intercoms and such. I felt like I was in Fall Out Three or Bioshock. I was just waiting fora Big Daddy and a Little Sister to come out and attack me. Not the best thing in the world to happen to me. Nigel and I felt the same vibes when we entered the engine room. The propelor box was the most eerie area to be. Was there water, or not? I don't know. I kind of freaked out because I didn't knwo We tried to do a spoof of the whole Titanic moment when Rose was being held by Jack on the end of the ship as if they were flying. It was kind of hard if Nigel is singing the theme of the movie "Pearl Harbor" instead of the Titanic "MY HEART WILL GO OOONNN".

There was also a Wedding going on the ship. I find that to be pretty romantic. Oh well.

Maybe one day I'll try to

Labels: eerie, ew, ghosts, no, older men can be weird, Queen Mary, stream of consciousness

They're not as great as the dates I have with Aaron, but they're...do-able I guess. Night doesn't really treat me as nice as Aaron does. LOL.

Translation of "Date With the Night": It originated from the song "Date with the Night" by Yeah Yeah Yeahs. I've used this term to explain that I have to pull an all nighter for school.
It's quite the funny term.

Labels: dates, homework nights, night, stream of consciousness

I don't understand why I am so excited. For some reason, I'm suddenly enjoying Anatomy. Maybe because I've found that light at the end of the tunnel and starting to get all cocky that I will get a B and it might help my GPA? Probably not. It could possibly be because I finally passed one exam and one quiz in Sociology. Finally, my studying is paying off. Possibly because school is almost ending? I would certainly hope so. Or is it because my fever is going down?

Maybe getting that jittery feeling inside is something I need more. Not the nervous kind, the excited kind. It was kind of that same feeling when I got a B on my muscle lab exam. All that hard work is paying off, and you're beginning to understand things. There's also that feeling that you can do anything. Invincible. It doesn't match the same high I feel after performing music with my friends, but it is pretty close. I think if I keep up this enthusiasm, maybe I will do well.

We'll see.

Labels: excitement, stream of consciousness

I realized how strange I can be. I don't understand why I do not like to say hello to my grade school classmates (not like Nigel, Krisette, Shaun, April, etc.), but I will add them on facebook? I don't understand myself sometimes. I see some of them at school, and I still say to a few of them. But for some strange reason, if I go to the mall, I pray I don't see anyone I know. That goes for people I know in high school too (not my actual friends...just people whom I talked to? It is hard to explain). I don't know. Maybe I am just really shy? My mom tends to bring this up a lot anyway...

I don't know why I am suddenly struck with homesick (Philippines). Maybe because the Christmas and New Years is coming up, and I kind of miss being there to celebrate new years with all the fireworks and food with my cousins in the PI. I guess I kind of also miss Boracay. I can't help it. I was from there.

The Holiday season is picking up, as well as the weather too. I feel like I should be baking Christmas cookies, drinking egg nog and bundled with blankets. It's been pretty cold here, and I kind of miss the fall weather. On the other hand, I'm enjoying the trees turning into the dark bloody red color. Very beautiful color. I need something hot and peppermint to drink now...

Oh.
The light at the end of the tunnel has revealed itself. I will strive to get that B in Anatomy.

Labels: homesickness, stream of consciousness, weather

Surrounded by people.
Physically not alone.
Emotionally? Mentally? Feels like it.
Sure, why not.
I don't like the feeling.
Small talk by texting here and there.
I love yous over the internet.
Is it wrong to feel that sometimes it feels...meaningless?
He sounds a little distant.
Oh goodness, it's over the internet. How I would know?
Does he still care?
I have no idea.
No call.
Hurts? Yeah.
Should I call?
Maybe not.
He said he would...
And yet I'm still waiting...
Maybe I'm over thinking it all together.
I would be nice to call once in a while, right?
Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow.
I promised mysef that I would give him some room.
Indeed, I will.
Best not to. After all, I do have an exam on Monday.
It would be a shame to fail this exam, so let's try not to.
Right....72% in the class.
To be honest, I think I'm getting a better grade in my other 3 classes.
Need to study hard if you're going to strive to get that B.
After all, Physio is going to be worse.
Don't remind me...

Labels: anatomy, Kat, lonely, Rina, stream of consciousness