Dad: You can't go to heaven now.
Kat: Hah, I already know I'll be going there. No mistake of that.
Dad: Only place you can go now.
Kat: You'll be joining me too.
Home: Madril, United States
About Me: I'm weird, you're weird, we're all weird!
posted by Kat at 12:36 PM
This has been a very scary week. I'm not making any pun for Halloween. I'm very serious.
I feel like I should drop out the semester after all that has happened.
I could've called you because I knew you would be awake at that time, but after what happened between us, I think I'm the last person you would want to speak to, and you're the last person I would want to hear from. It was a moment of desperation, and I needed someone. Thank goodness I didn't call you.
Hospitals bring back memories. This is just going to add more.
I love my brother more than anything in the world. He's one of the few reasons why I am still here, and if I lost him, I don't know what I would do with myself.
I am scare beyond all reason. I have a right to be.
I owe Michael so much right now.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
"I don't know where you are or what you're doing, but when you hear my voice, can you come by my side?"- Onew
Jinki...why LOL
Monday, October 25, 2010
It's one of those nights again. For the second time this month I dyed my hair and it looks black. It's actually dark purple, but oh well, this is what I do when I'm sad. I don't want to talk about school because I'm struggling. I have Banana milk with me right now, and I'm hoping this will make me feel a little better. I kind of wish Eddie didn't change his profile picture where he is in it. God Damnit. I found the wonders of concealer to hide my dark circles. Now you can't tell if I've been crying or pulling all nighters! Ahaha, I am brilliant no I'm not. Anyway... Banana Milk and "Nothing Better" sung by Kim JongHyun. And there went my banana milk. I should have bought more coffee milk. That stuff is awesome. Maybe I'll stop by Freshia on the way home tomorrow to buy it.
At least I'm not scared to go to sleep this time. I just hate the dream where I take him back. Possibly because that is the last thing I would like to do and he is probably the last person I would like to see right now. Wow, I am really hurt over this now that I think about it. I am caring about this more than I really should be. It's kind of ridiculous, but I guess I have every right to feel this way? I don't know, it's going to be a month since the incident. Did I make the right choice in exchanging Masquerade Ball with FTC? Then again, I won't be on their campus now will I? I feel mean having a certain hate bias towards UCSD only because he goes there, but what can I do? My mind changed about them when I met some people from CKI south, but yeah.
My parents keep asking what I want. I told them external hard drive, but in all honesty, I just want to feel better.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Where I took you back again.
Oh God, someone make it stop please.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
B2ST- Soom (Breathe)
Ha let me talk about ma
At the sight of the coldly turned back , it feels like time has stopped for a moment
In my blank mind, I have to hold onto you , no I have to let you go I had to. If he likes her, he'll be with her more than he'll ever be with me. Why tie him down? ...I didn't tie him down though...
Oh, I cried because I couldn't forget you, who forgot herself<-- oops, guy song.
Whatever will happen , let it happen. Even I'm not too sure What ever happens to you or me, it will just happen. No ones for sure.
I'll try to forget you when you turn around
I won't hold onto you again
(At your words saying just once more , just once more) think of me again
I won't hesitate anymore . Now I'll throw you away
Seriously was all gun-ho about forgetting about him because I felt like I did so much, and he didn't do enough. It's throwing everyone off that I don't care about him anymore, and it's true. Whatever happens to him, that's his problem, not mine. I'm not there to defend anymore. As of right now, we're nothing. Absolutely nothing. *cough* DooJoon I love you *cough*
Don't go. Don't leave me. No matter how many times I think about it ,
It will be hard to forget you . I don't think I can forget you
I only love this part because AJ is singing, but that is besides the point-- What he says it true-- I'm not going to deny that I have moment (just like these) where I wish he would do something and make this. It's going to be so hard to forget him. 2 years. 2 years, damnit. I feel like it went to waste.
As time goes by, more and more, oh I
(I can't hold my breath, breath, breath) Yoseob, no one can hold their breath for that long.
More and more , I'm being suffocated . My breath yeah
Breath in , breath out , ha ha
Breath in , breath out , ha ha
Breath in , breath out , ha ha
Breath in , breath out , ha ha
Yeah, don't mind that.
I'll try to erase it . Your place isn't here anymore. You have no place to return
(If you come closer and closer to me) I'll go even further away
Will you step aside now ? I will throw you away
Oh boy, more of my gun-ho side of me being like "FUCK YOU. YOU HURT ME". I deleted him everywhere-- my phone, facebook, msn, skype, AIM, I know I'm missing a lot more but I can't think of any. "I will throw you away" sounds so harsh, but I feel like doing that to him.
Don't do it . Don't try to turn back . No matter how many times I think about it ,
It will be so hard to erase you, I think I'm going to go crazy
The bipolar of this song is breaking me in half LOL... Everything said here is true. I wouldn't be dissecting lyrics right now if it were so easy to forget him, even if I deleted him from everything. I don't think I'm going crazy (maybe that one time where I didn't eat and sleep for two days), I think I'm doing relatively fine right now.
As time goes by, more and more , oh I
(I can't hold my breath , breath , breath)
More and more , I'm being suffocated . My breath yeah
Breath in , breath out , ha ha
Breath in , breath out , ha ha
Breath in , breath out , ha ha
Breath in , breath out , ha ha
I don't know
I don't know , yeah
Me too, Yoseob, I don't know either LOL...
Yes or no, the night when the light sleeps , the room with the lights off , the jumbled thoughts of you
Just won't go away. What can I possibly blame to bring a little bit of comfort ?
Was the deep love a sin ? Whatever will happen , let it happen , huh . Even I'm not too sure
Once again, I guess it's all confusion. I'm glad he's away, but I don't know. He's still lingering in my head, and it feels like he's still hurting me without even being here to do the damage. It's all in my head for all I know.What will happen, let it happen. Whatever happened, just keep going...
I actually found this song to be kind of bipolar after reading the translations, which would make sense of the sudden tempo drop at points, the desperation in the voices and sudden angry tones in the faster tempos. Probably would explain why Yoseob is singing "I don't know" because he doesn't know what he should feel.Oh, by they way, their choreography is flawless.
Oh Fuck My Life. someone bring me Lee JinKi please.
It bothers me a lot because I know I shouldn’t, but inside I know I do. Even when you hurt me, I still miss you. It’s throwing everyone off that I do not care what happens to you because it isn’t like me. Granted, I’ll admit that it isn’t like me to not care, but still, what you did was low. I really hope, for you sake and her’s, that you finally grow up and have the balls to say something. You know better, or at least I thought you did. At least do it for her if couldn’t do it for me, you know?
Despite all this, I hope in the future we can be friends again. We began as friends, and I kind of miss it that way to be honest. We ended on a horrible note. The closure talk will come sooner or later when we’re ready (or at least if time permits us). I don’t think I will be able to find anyone that was like you, but I can’t tell what was real and what was just pretend. So for now, let’s just say that I hope I don’t find someone like you. She’s there and if you get the chance, get it, so if I were you, don’t fuck it up. I’ll try not to mess up my chance either, but I’ll wait for mine. I always wait.
But one day, let’s hope we can finally smile together again. Coz right now, all I want to do is just glare at you until my eyes disappear.
PS- watch out. I have no control whatever comes your way. That includes my brother. Sorry.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
CKI South was today. I didn't have to run it like Kwonnie, but I stood on the sideline and cheered on my team and our division (M-M-MET-T-T-TRO MET-TRO MEEETTTRRROOO!!). It was a lot of fun. I got to meet people from UCI, CSU Fullerton, UCR, UCSB, CSULB and UCLA. I didn't get around to the other colleges, but they were still fun to watch.
People are nice. This made me feel kind of comfortable that people can be so nice around here, especially if we're all together in the same division. Meeting people outside our division wasn't so bad either. I was just really shy.
Had the bias hate towards UCSD, but I got to meet some of them. The bias hate isn't there anymore. They're...interesting LOL.
I want to go to FTC now because of CKI South. Carl and Lisa will be going, and i hope I can go to see them again. It's been a while, and I miss them a lot. hm..
I will never understand what are the different trends these days. What the hell is hipster? I'm starting to feel old when I don't know some of these things...but I shouldn't be complaining about my age.
And I feel a little discouraged coz I have a DSLR? I don't know if discouraged is the right word. Yes, I have a really expensive camera. Yes, I take pictures. No, I don't have time to me artsy with it at the moment. I know I'm not a real photographer, but I like it as a hobby? I haven't made anything that could grab someone's heart, I just aim and shoot. Seriously.
Labels: nonsense, stream of consciousness, venting, whatever
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Thank you for sending my postcards. I'm a happy Shawol. Now I will wait for you to send teh repackaged album... please send it soon before I go on a rampage again..
Monday, October 11, 2010
FFS JUST GIVE ME MY POSTCARDS ALREADY. IT'S BEEN 3 WEEKS, AND I'M PRETTY SURE IT DOESN'T TAKE THAT LONG TO SEND IT OVER FROM HONG KONG. IN ALL HONESTY, I'M PROBABLY A LOT CLOSER THAN OTHERS WHO ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE USA. SO PLEASE SEND.
PS- YOU MIGHT AS WELL SEND ME THE REPACKAGED ALBUM AS WELL. ASDL;KJS;LK;ASLKD I WANT MY POSTCARDS.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Not going to resort to old habits.
It's not worth it, and it's not worth remembering.
Really don't like how I feel. No appetite, I'm still crying, and I have a feeling I'm going to lie here for the next few hours. I should take benadryl, but I'm scared to go to sleep.
Friday, October 8, 2010
A part of me wants a response. A part of me wants you to make this right. A part me is so willing to take it all.
but I made a promise...
For the love of curry (this was Nigel's idea)
I have to say no.
He told me to never take him back.
I don't even know if he and I could be friends again.
I did before, but... how do you become friends with someone you cared about, and totally just...did what he did to you three years ago? Maybe even 4. I don't even want to know.
I'm not sure what to do if I see you. Ignore you? Greet you as though nothing really happened, and be polite? Seems like something I would do.
Used the sort of steel wool side of the sponge to scrub the dye off my arm.
once it was gone, I kept scrubbing
and scrubbing
and scrubbing.
...I feel so dirty.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
I'm beginning to hate them more and more.
I'm finding some things here and there that I tried to make, pictures I printed, notes that were written.
A song by Gloria Lee is on my desk, as well as "I miss you" by Incubus, the song that would bring me comfort where time we were apart. Now it has a completely different meaning to me.
I'm wallowing, and I hate myself for it. I hate my irrationality, and how I didn't have a clear mind when I screamed at you. So many things-- what I should have said, what I should have done. I should've answered your call when you tried to call me back. Then again, you only called once and didn't call again. But then I would remember what you said, and then I'm taken aback. No.
The last thing I texted you was a favor. A big one on your part. You have something to carry now, as well as I. What I gave is yours to keep. "We won't see each other again." I know I'm harsh... but I can't see him again. I don't know when I will be ready, or how will it take me to recover. I kept saying it would be a speedy recovery, but look at me. I'm crying and I hate the fact that I am crying over him again. Again. I've been doing this for too long.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Irrationality has just back lashed on me. Regretting more than ever right now, and it's bothering me, when I know it shouldn't. I broke down during the Circle K meeting, in which everyone kind of saw when I walked out the room. The amount of support I got from them was beyond amazing. I love them all. Daniel said he's making me cake. God, I love our VP.
Trying to channel this feeling, but it's difficult. I still cry about it because it hurts. I don't wonder if it's my fault because I know it isn't, but the regrets I'm having... are just so bad right now. I don't know what overcame me to take him back, and then waste two years on him, waiting for something that would never happen. One other regret is that I did everything within impulse. I went with what my feelings told me to do and then done. It was done. We were done. I don't think I will ever hear his side, nor will I want to in all honesty. I had the same thing happen to me-- I had feelings for someone else while he and I were in long distance. I didn't act on them, it was just some sort of attraction. Feelings? Sure. I don't know. I felt bad. All I know is that I picked him over the guy I was attracted to, only because I knew who I had, and I loved who I had. I was asked if he would do the same. I told them "He'll be with her more than he'll ever be with me."
I was with that other boy way more than I was with him, and in the end, I still picked him. This all makes me wonder, but I have to push it aside. My cousin said that if he wants to make it right, then he'll do it. Knowing him... I don't know. Oh well.
The amount of days during the summer, apparently, were completely wasted to find out that it was all for nothing. I spent my time with him, to make up loss time. He said we were growing more distant. You sure it wasn't just you?
I love him.
I miss him.
I miss him.
I care about him.
But God damnit I need to pull myself together.
God, help me gain the strength to find myself again, and to help me never, EVER take him back again (if he ever does). Twice was enough. Third time, there will be blood.
if you can hear me, let's see if the one is really out there.
Labels: stream of consciousness
Monday, October 4, 2010
"Fuck my life, I'm wallowing"
"It's okay, its part of the steps. You just have to stay strong and concentrate on you. Think about this: He's not wallowing for you or crying"
"That's true. Ugh, I hate how I feel."
"Me too. Hang in there. Over time it does get better."
"If only time could speed up."
"Me too. Hang in there. Over time it does get better."
"If only time could speed up."
Saturday, October 2, 2010
I gave some of my stuff to my friends. I know if its with them, they'll take good care of it until I figure out what I want to do with them. Unnie has Onew and HeeChul, as well as the box. My maknae brother (not Kevin) will be taking care of Donald Ducky. He didn't give me much material wise, but he didn't give me much to begin with anyway. Sure, he payed for some stuff, but it giving wise, I was always giving. Hm.
After being up for 48 hours, I finally went to sleep. Hard to believe that after not sleeping, I was the most awake I have ever been in class. Good for me, I guess? I had some sort of appetite last night, but now I don't have much of one. Still don't feel like eating, but I guess I'll be stuffing my face so my parents won't worry.
I talked to Kevin about it last night. He's one of the few I didn't run to first when I needed someone to talk to. I feel bad, but I had to call Mimi first. He says that he's proud of me that I'm not blaming myself, and that I can finally stop crying over things. He said that I should have saw this coming, which I did, and that to never get back together with him. He's glad that I erased everything of him right now. He also said that if he sees him, he'll take his glasses and break them. I told him that he can do whatever the hell he wants, coz I don't care anymore. As much as I love him and care about him, I will no longer defend him. Which brought me to this:
I defended him when people told me that I could be happier with someone else and I could deserve better. I defended him when people said he wasn't doing enough and saying to me "I don't know how you deal with it." I should have listened, and now I can no long defend him what he has done wrong. And you know what, that's fine with me. I can't guarantee his safety anymore. Whatever happens to him after what happened between him and I, for all I know, he probably deserves it. I hope someone breaks his heart so he knows how it feels, and I feel sorry for the girl he likes. She has no idea what she's going to have to deal with. I just hop at his end, he finally learns a fucking lesson.
The guilt will eat him and I know that. I hope this haunts you for the rest of your life.
Stay away from me. I don't need you anywhere near me. You were everything to me, now you're nothing, and I will show you that, once I recover. It shouldn't take so long this time.
Hello everyone, I'm back, and I'm as cynical as ever.
PS- I'm thankful for everyone that has been helping me through this. To those who actually know where I am coming from, who know how I feel, and who listened to me. The amount of support from your guys is so great, and my love for you all of you is infinite. Thank you so much. I promise I will listen better this time.
A wonderful example of what NOT to do.
(and this would explain why I'm a bit teary this morning. GDI I HATE YOU SO MUCH.)
Friday, October 1, 2010
I have been awake for 48 hours.
Every time I close my eyes to try to sleep, I open them and the sky hasn't change. Time hasn't moved and it's standing still.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me. It was mistake to take you a second time, if history was bound to repeat itself.
And you know what...
for once in my life
...I'm not blaming myself.