Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Irrationality has just back lashed on me. Regretting more than ever right now, and it's bothering me, when I know it shouldn't. I broke down during the Circle K meeting, in which everyone kind of saw when I walked out the room. The amount of support I got from them was beyond amazing. I love them all. Daniel said he's making me cake. God, I love our VP.

Trying to channel this feeling, but it's difficult. I still cry about it because it hurts. I don't wonder if it's my fault because I know it isn't, but the regrets I'm having... are just so bad right now. I don't know what overcame me to take him back, and then waste two years on him, waiting for something that would never happen. One other regret is that I did everything within impulse. I went with what my feelings told me to do and then done. It was done. We were done. I don't think I will ever hear his side, nor will I want to in all honesty. I had the same thing happen to me-- I had feelings for someone else while he and I were in long distance. I didn't act on them, it was just some sort of attraction. Feelings? Sure. I don't know. I felt bad. All I know is that I picked him over the guy I was attracted to, only because I knew who I had, and I loved who I had. I was asked if he would do the same. I told them "He'll be with her more than he'll ever be with me."

I was with that other boy way more than I was with him, and in the end, I still picked him. This all makes me wonder, but I have to push it aside. My cousin said that if he wants to make it right, then he'll do it. Knowing him... I don't know. Oh well.

The amount of days during the summer, apparently, were completely wasted to find out that it was all for nothing. I spent my time with him, to make up loss time. He said we were growing more distant. You sure it wasn't just you?
I love him.
I miss him.
I care about him.
But God damnit I need to pull myself together.

God, help me gain the strength to find myself again, and to help me never, EVER take him back again (if he ever does). Twice was enough. Third time, there will be blood.

if you can hear me, let's see if the one is really out there.

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posted by Kat at 1:51 AM |

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