Tuesday, February 15, 2011
but I just want to get out for once. Ever since the incidents with Kevin, I'm practically under house arrest with him. I'm not allowed to leave him alone.

This Sunday is DLSSP. It's a really big project that is stretched out from NorCal, SoCal, Nevada and Hawaii is invited. We're rebuilding a school in San Diego. Sounds like fun, yeah? I wanted to go.
My dad said no.
Slightly annoyed. Okie, make that I'm very annoyed. I'm crying so much right now and I know shouldn't even be making such a big deal about it.
But I don't feel good about myself.
I sit here and watch over my brother. Am I really making any difference? No. I'm just making sure he doesn't go kill himself again. Big responsibility, yeah? I don't know. I'm at the point where I think that what ever happens to him, well, yeah.
I don't know, I just want to make a difference out there. I want to do something that I can feel good about myself.
It's not the end of the fucking world.
But I want to be a part of this mission.
I really want to help and feel good that I'm helping, not like it's some obligation, but because I want to.
I want to help.

I just want a day for myself.

I don't feel good about myself at all.

PS- I'm out of money in my checking account. I'm cutting off whatever I'm planning to buy online and stuffing whatever money I have in my little money bank thing into my bank account.
no more tentative SMTOWN LIVE & Korean Music Festival money in case I want to go.

PPS- I can't let him know I'm crying. He'll just make a big deal out of it and make me feel worse.
Nothing is going to change.
Nothing.
posted by Kat at 7:42 PM |

1 Comments:

At February 17, 2011 at 12:06 AM, Blogger Jolls said........
I'm sorry you feel that way :\ I know the "house arrest" feeling, and I definitely know how spiteful I can get lol. But look at it this way... you want to make a difference, right? Well, being there for your brother, I consider that making a difference. I remember how upset you were when it happened, and maybe that feeling has faded since it happened a while ago... but I'm sure he appreciates you being there for him. You are making a difference... for your brother, your own family. I'm sure there will be time for you to make a bigger difference elsewhere but for now, your brother needs you.

I hope you feel better <3