Saturday, September 19, 2009
I keep thinking today as the day he moves rather than our 15 months together. Goes to show how much I've been anticipating today. It doesn't feel any different. Its just like any weekend, I guess. I think it'll hit harder this coming Friday or something. I guess I'll wait for it.

Its a mixture of feelings that I can't find a perfect word for it. A little confused, a little sad, at the same time happy for him, and anxious as I await for his return. I'm wondering if this is how my dad felt every time my mom left to go back to the States.

I visited him twice yesterday. First one was planned, the second one was by sheer coincidence and luck. It was awkward the first time I saw him. I was never the kind of person that would go to someone's front door and ring the door bell. So instead of being normal and acting casual and standing in front of the door, I stared at the black gate. Once again, I don't know what is wrong with me and front doors. I get all anxious, but I digress... We sat in front of his house just talking.
He bought be a black bracelet from Hawaii. Its simple with a ribbon on it. I like it
A few awkward moments and silences.
*cue monologue*
What do you say to someone who is leaving?
It was harder than I thought.
But I've done this before.
This is different. Every goodbye is different.
Then why does it hurt? Why is this so hard?
It was hard to say good bye to Jordan.
It was hard to say good bye to Scott.
It was hard to say good bye to Brent.
It was hard to say good bye to Fabian.
You know it was fucking hard to say goodbye to your band friends when you were leaving them behind (2nd family).
It was hard to say good bye to Livia.
Right now, its hard to say good bye to him.
*end monologue*
I knew I wanted to say more, but for some reason couldn't.
I was off the hook from whatever I was going to tell him (those of you who know me, yes.)
The good bye took longer than expected.
Aaron: Feet...cemented to...ground.
Kat: *push* How about now?
Aaron: Feet...cemented to...new...ground.
He tells me "See you later", but I don't respond with anything. Once again, how do you even say good bye?
The moment I sat in my car, I started to cry. I didn't know even understand why I was crying, I just was.

Time gap: I picked up my brother from home, and took him to Yogurtland. It was first time going there, and I must say, it was just like pinkberry but cheaper lol. So I drowned myself in yogurt for a while, then dropped Kevin off to practice. After that, I proceeded to drive myself to my lightbox appointment. Didn't get into the lightbox until 4:30. He texted me a lot whiel I was dirving (GASP! TEXTING WHILE DRIVING!!! first time too :| )And for some reason, he was able to get out of the house. So I rushed over to where he lives, and picked him up.

2nd chance: There was a sense of relief coming from me. I got to see him one more time before he left (but then again, he's only 2.5 hours away from here =_=; ). We talked a lot more, and gave me something else. I put it on my "broken" necklace because I was afraid it would get lost. (Why is it broken? Because my locket on it will open at the weirdest times, and the key that found a long time ago is bent. BROKEN!). There was a small silence as out foreheads touched. He asked me what I was thinking. I told him " I wish that he wasn't going so far, but at the same time I'm very happy for him. I'm just scared I will not have enough time for you". It breaks me in half to say that because I have to put school as first priority. He says he understands. He said he would come back every other week. Still not sure if I could see him. No more going behind my parents' back for this kind of stuff. We part once more, as he tells me "See you later" again, and this time i reply back with a "Good bye for now".
I didn't cry when he got out of the car, although I did get teary eyed.
In the back of my mind, I make a mental note, telling myself, "Its okie. I'll see him again soon".


As of right now, I'm trying to do EVERYTHING to avoid how I feel. This will be a busy week for sure. Nigel and I have that movie thing that we need to do for History. I guess you can say I am excited. I'll do my best to enjoy that extra credit thing anyway. It'll hit me when Friday comes along. It will hit me like a ton of bricks.

...I'm praying not literally though.
posted by Kat at 8:17 PM |